Friday, March 27, 2009

No words.

This last week has been really hard. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a little baby girl, I just want to cry. How I am suppose to get through this? Why is life sometimes just too hard to bare? I do not understand it. Then I think about Jesus, and what he did for me on that cross, and realize he understands. Only He can get me through this.
On another note, I have lost 6 pounds and 16 1/3 inches throughout my body. I am thankful that I am finally getting healthy. Physically I feel great, mentally, well that is another issue. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Friday, March 20, 2009

In Memory of Haven Joy Fox!!

Today I went back to the doctor and they told me our precious baby was a girl. She had no chromosomal problems, so they believe that I have some kind of blood clotting disorder. They drew about 10 tubes of blood to test for several different problems that could cause a miscarriage. I will know the results in about 2 weeks. I was doing better but when they told me she was a girl, it really made me realize that she was real. We have decided to call her Haven(means a safe place and that is where she is with Jesus in a safe place) Joy(she truly was a joy even through this difficult time). We are considering her birth date to be February 20, because even though she wasn't alive when she was born, she still was a person and had a soul. I look at Hannah and Haley and wondered if she looked like them or if she would of had curly hair like they had. I wonder what color her eyes and hair would of been. What kind of personality she would of had. This is so hard, I just don't see how anyone could kill a baby. The doctor said I can try to get pregnant again after I have two cycles. Everyone just keep me in your prayers.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy and a new update.

My sweet little Bryson turns 6 today. I can't believe how fast my babies are growing.

I have started a new chapter in my life. I joined a gym. I never thought I would step foot in a gym but I have been going since Sunday. The best part is they have a daycare, so I can go early in the afternoon around 10 and there are not that many people there. The doctors blame my two years of infertility on my weight, so my goal is to lose it. I still don't buy it, because I see women way bigger than me having children all the time. During my pregnancy I lost 5 pounds due to the morning sickness, and I lost another 10 after I lost the baby due to depression and not eating. Now that I am exercising, I have not gained any of that weight back, even though I am eating now. My goal is to go to the gym Monday thru Friday and take the weekend off. I hope to lose another 75 pounds.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

A new Beginning!!!

These last few weeks have been so hard. I have no words, a part of me has been angry with God, but I know that God did not do this to hurt me. It is so aggravating knowing the number of people that kill their baby everyday, and I can't just have one more baby. But after telling God my feelings of that everyday, he has brought to my attention, my ungratefulness in what he has already given me. Some people go through several miscarriages and never have a baby but I already have 3 healthy children. I have a wonderful supportive husband whom is very understanding with my mood changes. I always go back to my favorite scriptures in the Bible.

Proverbs 3:5-12

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

9 Honor the LORD with your wealth
and with the first fruits of all your produce;
10 then your barns will be filled with plenty,
and your vats will be bursting with wine.

11 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
12 for the LORD reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.

From now on I will put my trust and faith in God even though it is not always easy. I will be grateful for what I have and not be selfish. If God gives me another baby I will be grateful but if he decides not to I will still be grateful. God knows the desires of my heart, but it is truly up to him and I will praise and worship him no matter what.


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